It’s what Daddy would have wanted

(Photo by Nick Nice on Unsplash)

When you’re sitting in the passenger seat of a hearse leading a funeral procession, and you look in the side mirror, there’s really only one thing you expect to see: a straight line of cars. You know what you don’t expect to see? The family of the deceased doing a parade snake down the narrow road in one of the oldest and largest cemeteries in the city. (For those unaware, a parade snake is where a line of cars weave back and forth in alternating directions creating a slithering look. This happened in every parade I ever saw or participated…


Yes, dugheads

Photo by Hamid Khaleghi on Unsplash

When the phone rang shortly after 2:00 AM to notify me that Jerry Curtis (name changed, obviously) had died, I was, as you may have guessed, asleep. Honestly, I very much wanted to keep sleeping, but I’m sure Mr. Curtis very much wanted to keep living, so neither of us got what we were hoping for that night. For him, not much would change as the night progressed, but being forced awake would end up being the high point for me. I got up, threw on a suit, and headed to the nursing home where Mr. …


Walking alone early one morning, the waves splashing over my ankles, the sun just beginning to rise, I saw a bottle washed up and half-buried in the sand with what looked like a slip of paper inside. My senses heightened. My body tensed. I had always wanted to find a message in a bottle, and now, finally at age forty-one, I had one in my sights.

Who had sent it? A man stranded on his lifeboat in the middle of the ocean? A Portuguese child hoping to make a friend? …


Rejection is hard. Let’s go through it together. Here is my stuff that ClickHole didn’t want.

Headlines Samples

Inspiring: This Nursing Home Patient Truly Believes She’s in Cats

Quiz: Why Isn’t the Dog Moving?

For the Win: George Clooney Has Finally Lost His Virginity

List: 10 Home Décor Items that Will Convince Your Family, Once and for All, You are Not a Pedophile

Quiz: Do You Have What it Takes to Invent the Cotton Gin Before Eli Whitney?

Heartwarming: This Woman Just Gave a VHS Copy of City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold to a Homeless Man in the Rain


The Blue Waves’ Last Second Loss in the City League Soccer Championship (2020)

How: Got distracted by the sun while playing goalie

Jennifer Leaving Me (2020)


Let me pass, peasants.

Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

Fools in the Starbucks line hear me! See me! Remember this face, for it is the face of efficiency. It is the face of planning — of thinking ahead. It is the face of the woman who ordered her drink on the Starbucks App, and it is a face you will come to know all too well!

You will remember my face while in your cubicle, and you will wonder why you hadn’t the foresight to order on the app. You will see my face in your dreams and awaken in a cold sweat — heart pounding — to the…


Galentine’s

Get together with the girls, pop open a bottle of wine, and spend the evening talking about work, love, and life.

Palentine’s

Hang out with the boys, get good and drunk, and say things like, “You know? We’re friends. You know that? You’re my best friend.” Then pass out somewhere.

Fallontine’s

Play a game where you slap Katie Holmes in the head with a giant hand to show the world she’s “just like us.”

Malentine’s

Watch Maleficent alone and take comfort in the fact that it is possible to find happiness after being scorned.

Talontine’s

Watch videos of hawks…


I am an American man.

I live in a modest house with my modest wife and average children.

I work 60 hours a week at a job that brings me no satisfaction for the insurance.

I don’t care for funny things, but that Bill Engvall sure can sure tell a joke.

I type in all caps in my Facebook posts — even the ones about restaurants.

I am an American man.

Just give me a phone that makes calls. That’s all I need.

Lock her up!

I have enough wraparound sunglasses to get me by.

I live in the Midwest…


Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you?

Old Money Douche

The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his douchiness in Jr. High and blossoms into a fully entitled douche in early high school. You may find him on the baseball field, drunk and driving his super expensive car (with a special, super loud muffler) too fast through the middle of town on Friday or Saturday nights, or looking dapper at church on…


Duchess of Kensingtonshire

Countess Megz

Lindsey Buckingham

Queen Mother Sheer Dress

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss)

Lady Nottingham of Phife

Her Majesty, Your Highness

Princess Diana

Annie Ortiz from the 2009 Reboot of Knight Rider

Joseph Thomas

Funeral Director and humor writer from Memphis, TN. http://mortified.substack.com for funeral-related humor. http://josephthomascomedy.com for everything else.

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